Last week, space required me to only provide you with the first step, which was to keep the discussion honest. That step is found in Ephesians 4:25. Today, you get steps two through seven.
The second step is to keep it controlled. Verse twenty-six encourages us to never let our anger control us. Anger is not forbidden in the scriptures. Instead, we are told to be angry and not sin. What worldly things cause us to sin when we are angry? Pride, revenge, self-pity, and lying are just a few. When we yield to those things, we can crush a loved one and do great harm to the relationship. See also Proverbs 16:31 James 1:19
Our third step, keep it timely, is found in verses 26-27. Paul is telling us two things here. The first is that we should never let our anger compound over time. When we do, we give the devil an opportunity to sow seeds of bitterness, resentment, and contempt until one day, we explode over some frivolous affront and the damage is done. The second is that there is a proper time to work things out and that time is when both parties agree to a time and a place. There are occasions when emotion runs high and brain function (particularly as it relates to the use of the tongue) gets foggy. Sometimes, we do need to "sleep on it." Let the emotions cool and set an appointment for a less volatile, controlled conversation.
The third step, keep it positive, is found in verse twenty-eight. In any fight, we all want to get in our "swings." Though he uses the act of stealing as an example here, what I want you to see is that right after he addresses the negative, he comes back with a positive solution. When you criticize without offering correction, without consolation, identify or without proposing solutions, it can crush the spirit. Even if you 'take a swing,' follow it up with something positive.
Step five, KEEP IT TACTFUL, is found in verse twenty-nine. Instead of using angry language, outdoor voices, and pushing hot buttons, "Let no unwholesome language come out of your mouths." When we live by this verse, it helps us to develop a teachable spirit toward one another. Tactfulness becomes a bond, an assurance, each to the other, that even though we disagree, we will attack the issues and NOT each other. It means that we trust each other with our feelings, and we trust each other to be able to take constructive criticism.
Step 6, keep it private, is found in verse thirty-one. Never fight in public. We should never publicly embarrass the people we love the most. We should never resort to that subtle, spirit-killing sarcasm or offensive criticism. When there is a need to fight, keep it where it belongs, between the two of you. It is no one else’s business! See Matthew 18:15-20.
The last step is to keep a clean slate. It is found in verse thirty-two. When the fight is done, clean up the mess. The tools for clean-up involve simply being kind and tender-hearted towards one another. It is an act of grace that wipes the mental slate clean. Do not continue to bring up past transgressions or use them as emotional weapons.
One more little tidbit. Admit it when you are wrong. Seek forgiveness when needed. When you have lost the fight, stop fighting. Be a good loser. The words, "I was wrong," "You are right," and “I am sorry" can preempt a battle and prevent further damage. Pray for one another and trust God to bring the healing.
