Quite often when I meet a fan of my column, the first thing he or she asks is, “Are those stories really true?” I answer in the affirmative because they are. Every single one of them. The episodes often occur in our entire family, not just to me. It’s a curse, I think.
My sister called me several days ago and told me about a crazy situation that happened to her when it snowed.
My sister is several years younger than I am and lives near Myrtle Beach. They have a house several blocks from the beach, and she really enjoys where she lives. She has a decor store that has done very well, and I am enormously proud of her. In many ways, I feel rather sorry for her because her husband has worked on the road or out of town for probably 75% of their marriage. He is excellent at what he does and in high demand as a troubleshooter, therefore he is constantly on the road. Her one solace is the money he makes.
Well, when the snow hit our state, it went as far as Myrtle Beach. For the first time in many years, those who love the sun and the beach sand found themselves snowed in. Such was the case with my sister. And of course, her husband was once again on the road and not able to return home. Both of her sons no longer live in the same town, so the only help she has is from friends and neighbors.
On the first night that it snowed rather deeply, my sister spent a cozy evening in front of her fireplace and then at midnight decided it was time for bed. She went up the stairs to her bedroom with her 2 cats (that I hate) and had no sooner settled down to sleep when she started hearing chirping.
She instantly awoke and sat up trying to figure out where the sound was coming from. She got out of bed and after a small investigation discovered the chirping coming from a fire detector attached near the ceiling that was 9 feet high.
As she stood there debating what to do, the alarm continued to chirp. Now, those of us who have those fire detectors and alarms on our walls know exactly what it means when they start chirping. They need a new battery. So my sister, frustrated, realized she was going to have to disconnect the detector, remove the battery, replace the old battery with a new one, and reconnect the detector.
But first, she needed a ladder. And the latter was outside about 20 yards from the house in the shed.
“What a time for my husband to be out of town!” she muttered, extremely aggravated.
She put on her robe over her pajamas, grabbed an old pair of boots and put them on her feet, slipped on a jacket and a hat, and went out trudging in the freezing rain and snow to get a ladder.
Fussing the whole time, she managed to wrestle an 8-foot ladder into the house and up the stairs. As a former interior decorator, marring a beautifully painted wall, or nicking matching furniture would make her pull her hair out, so she was extra careful about getting the ladder up the stairs, almost killing herself in the process. Now this is a staircase that winds and has one big turn. It’s also very narrow, so I can just imagine her struggling with this thing to get it upstairs.
Anyway, she opened up the ladder and climbed up only to discover that she needed a screwdriver to get the device open. Sighing, she climbed back down and went downstairs in search of a screwdriver. Finding one, she returned to the second floor, climbed up the ladder, and proceeded to try and pry the cover off the fire alarm detector. As she worked hard to get it off, it finally popped off and when it did an entire cup full of Palmetto bug droppings fell down on her hair, in her robe and down on the floor.
Now anyone who lives in the South knows what Palmetto bugs are. They are giant cockroaches. Huge, creepy things that come in your house somehow and some way, crawl around, and look disgusting. Let’s face it, they are disgusting! And they love warm, dark places, such as a fire detector device.
When Palmetto bug poop and dead bugs flew out of the device, my poor sister, shrieking her head off, climbed down the ladder and hopped around, grabbing at her hair and yanking off her robe. This would require another shower and head washing later on, but for now she just wanted to stop the chirping.
Climbing back up the ladder once again, and shuddering the whole time because of those disgusting bugs, she managed to get a hold of the battery and then realized that it was wired into the device. She worked and worked to remove the battery until it finally came off. She then climbed back down the ladder and went searching for a new battery.
There wasn’t one.
Sighing, she decided to go to the store and purchase another battery. By now, it was 1:00 in the morning, but living where she does, there are some venues open 24 hours so she could easily purchase another one. However, there was just one problem.
The stores were all closed because of the snow.
At this point, my sister had enough. The Palmetto bugs had been the last straw. She left the ladder right where it was, went into the shower where she scrubbed herself down with an inch of her life, and got back in bed.
Then a thought struck. “What if there’s a fire? I will have no warning and probably burn up!” But then the more she thought about it, the more ridiculous the events of the hour before were. “Well, if I burn up at least I won’t have to endure anymore Palmetto bugs in this life.” She was pretty sure that God didn’t tolerate them in heaven.
I know what you are thinking. Yes, my sister and I are a lot alike.
