Hey, Florida.
Some people poke fun at Florida because crazy stuff happens there. I poke fun because I KNOW FLORIDA. I’ve spent more time there than 500 spring-breakers. Starting at age five, I and the fam visited relatives there every summer, because coastal North Carolina just wasn’t hot and humid enough. That’s my theory, anyway.
Also, my brother T-Bob has lived in South Florida for 30-plus years. (When he first moved to Pompano Beach, a neighbor chortled, “Welcome to the land of newlyweds and nearly-deads!”)
Many years of Florida experience has taught me that most residents are normal, law-abiding folks. But crazy stuff happens and the news don’t lie, y’all.
From the last couple of months:
- A Burmese python was pulled from under the hood of a Ford Mustang in Florida on Oct. 30. First thought: Snake has great taste. Second thought: WTH?!? The 10-footer was captured in Dania Beach by officers from the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWCC). Because pythons, which are not native to Florida, eat native mammals, reptiles and birds, killing them is encouraged. A photo shows the snake tightly coiled around the engine--imagine lifting the hood to find that. Regardless, Burmese Bubba is dead now. Think about that before you turn your pet pythons loose, Floridians.
- A drunk Haines City man allegedly stole a bulldozer and mowed down Joe Biden yard signs. The suspect, 26, reportedly swiped the backhoe from a construction site and drove through a residential area, flattering Biden signs and a speed limit sign for good measure. He said, “I’ve been drinking whiskey all day and don’t remember what happened,” Bay News 9 reported. He was charged with grand theft auto and trespassing. What, no DUI?
- A man was seriously mauled by a black leopard in Davie after paying the owner of an “animal sanctuary” (a cage behind a house) for a “full-contact experience” with the big cat, according to our friends at FWCC. The victim, 50, underwent several surgeries after paying $150 to play with the leopard and “rub its belly,” per an FWC report. The leopard decided its belly wasn’t for sale and attacked, causing severe head injuries to the victim. The owner was charged with allowing exposure to an extremely dangerous animal. Ya think?
- A Florida lawyer accused of being a “serial bank robber” was busted last month en route to his sixth raid, federal prosecutors said. The man allegedly robbed five Miami banks since Sept. 3 —but only getting a measly $1,850. (Insert bad lawyer joke here.) The US Attorney General’s office said the barrister was busted as he walked into a sixth bank carrying a hammer and “stick-up notes.” He belongs to the Florida bar--but the firm he worked at told The Miami Herald he disappeared two years ago. Oddly, he claimed to graduate from Duke University School of Law—but actually graduated from Wake Forest School of Law. Sure, some people hate Duke, but c’mon.
- And now for some good news: An Orange County woman was going to pick her president even if her baby popped out at the polls. The woman showed up to vote WHILE IN LABOR, and refused to leave until she’d voted, The Orlando Sentinel reported. The woman stayed in her car while her husband ran into the elections office to request her mail-in ballot; a clerk waited as she filled it out. “She wouldn’t go… until she voted,” the clerk said. Afterwards, the woman’s husband drove her to an Orlando hospital, presumably on two wheels.
Julie R. Smith, who may or may not be related to some of these people, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.
