‘Lets get right to the porpoise’ | Column
by The Press and Standard | March 16, 2019 5:00 pm
Last Updated: March 13, 2019 at 9:40 am
Like most of you, I’m frequently contacted by Nigerian royalty who want to send me $2 million USD if I will wire $10,000 to prove my worthiness. (One princeling said it was to satisfy his skeptical accountant, who wasn’t nearly as skeptical as yours truly.)
Even using every spam filter available I still get these scams, which usually start out, “Dearest heart, accept my humble blessings with a plea for your assistance today…”
Last week, there came a jaw-dropper. Here it is, with original spelling and punctuation:
“Madam: I am well aware ‘hoodat’ is one of your pass. Lets get right to the porpoise. No-one has paid me to investigate you. You do not know me and you’re probably wondering why you be getting this mail? I happen to no you have visited a porn (Adult! Fun!) web sight in privacy. You no what i mean.
“When you were watching videos, your browser started out operating as a Remote control Desktop with a key-hole which gave me accessibility to your display screen as well as web cam. Right after that, my software obtained all your contracts from your Messenger, FB, as well as !email! After that, it was simpleton to create a double video, yo! 1st part shows the video you were viewing (you have a fine taste haha), and 2nd part shows the view of your cam, so you appear to be enjoying this In Person.
“Now, you actually have a pair of possibles. We should go through the options in details:
1st option is to dismiss this e-mail. in this situation, i most certainly will send your very own recorded material to almost all of your contracts and thus imagine about the disgrace you feel. The Shame! Furthermore should you be in a romance, how this will effect?
“A 2nd option is to pay me $877. Let us name it as a donation. in this case, i will instantaneously remove your videotape. Your life could be like this never occurred and you never will see back again from me. You’ll make the payment by Bitcoin (if you don’t know this, search ‘how to buy bitcoin’ in Goggle).”
Y’all. I always knew technology would do me in. I can’t even navigate Netflix, but somehow I’m visiting web sights offering Adult! Fun! Oh, the shame. And since Bitcoin is Greek to me, looks like my hundreds of FB and !email! contracts will soon be seeing faked images of my fake body doing fake stuff.
Just imagine all the pearl-clutching that will ensue! I’m glad my mother’s not alive to see my humiliation. This is exactly why she always warned me to wear clean underwear. Wait, wrong crisis.
The funny part is, there’s not even a photo of me in a bathing suit floating around in cyberspace. The last picture of moi in a bathing suit was taken in 1988, and I have the original. (I looked OK, thanks to a tan and a zebra-striped one-piece. The ‘80s were my jam.)
No, wait: In 2005, Widdle took a photo of me in a bikini on a cruise ship–but I have no idea where it went, if he still has it, or if the image struck him blind. It’s something he’s never mentioned again, like a bad weekend in Tijuana.
Wonder what he’ll say about my pair of possibles.
Julie R. Smith, who found it excruciating to not edit this email, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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