Marriage is … | Column | The Press and Standard

by | March 24, 2018 5:00 pm

Last Updated: March 21, 2018 at 1:16 pm

Remember the newspaper cartoon “love is…”? It featured a bashful, big-eyed woman and her equally bashful, big-eyed boyfriend, with sweet captions like “Love is… being kind,” illustrated by the boyfriend presenting her with a daisy. “Love is… give and take,”showed her peeling Benjamins from his wallet.
The cartoons are still printed (which amazed me, too). I guess there’s nothing wrong with hearts and flowers, long hair and innocence, if that’s what you think love is.
But what is marriage? After the honeymoon bliss, it’s basically hiding chocolate from each other and arguing about paint samples on Sunday afternoons. Yes, it’s also about raising a family, making the world better and leaving a legacy, but there are plenty of little moments…
Marriage is burping so loud it scares you both.
Marriage is when you come home starving to find your husband making his famous egg salad, and you’ve never seen anything sexier than that man mixing mayo and chopped eggs.
Marriage is your spouse buying shoes that are so ugly, you can’t even.
Marriage is when you both go to a party and you drink water all night, because 1) Uber doesn’t run in your neck of the woods and 2) You want your spouse to have fun more than you want to have fun.
Marriage is knowing somebody so well you don’t need words, just a twitchy eyebrow.
Marriage is when one of you picks the absolute worst movie to watch AGAIN and as the credits roll, the other person–instead of saying, “Three strikes!”–says, “Well, that was… different.”
Marriage is when one of you says, “My stomach hurts, let’s go for a walk,” and the other knows that’s shorthand for “I haven’t been to the bathroom in four days,” and the walk might last two blocks or two miles, but they go with you anyway.
Marriage is when one wants a cat and the other wants a dog and you compromise by getting chickens.
Marriage means one of you has to know where the lint brush is at all times.
Marriage doesn’t have many absolutes, but here’s one: No matter how much you don’t care now, eventually you will have an opinion on your spouse’s hairstyle. Whether you share that opinion is entirely up to you.
Marriage can survive infidelity or a weekend at Ikea, but not both. Pick your battles.
Marriage is when you both plan an elaborate Superbowl party and then just default to chips and beer because it’s easier and your friends don’t care.
Marriage is two weeks of feeling meh about life, and then something crazy happens and you’re so glad you have someone to share it with.
Marriage is just one long debate about “ER” versus “Chicago Hope.”
Marriage is realizing your spouse wants to leave somewhere just by the way their head is tilted.
Marriage is sleeping in/lazy brunches on Sunday… until the first kid. Then you say, “Whoa, we need a church!”
Marriage is arguing about whose turn it is to spray the pollen off the front porch. This argument will never end.
Marriage is when your husband forgets to pull your chair out or walk next to the curb or hold the door—and one day you just stop nagging him about it, because he does have nice table manners and still thinks you’re cute.
Marriage is hiding the little jar of lemon curd in the cabinet, and when she finds it, acting like you bought it for her.
Marriage means that some days you only stay married because you don’t want the hassle of changing cable companies.

(Julie R. Smith, who always defaults to chips and beer, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.)

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