Where do all those socks go and other thoughts | Opinion | The Press and Standard

by | May 29, 2016 5:00 am

Last Updated: May 25, 2016 at 1:02 pm

Random thoughts while washing my car and wondering why every bird within 50 miles apparently has GPS leading directly to my windshield:
 You go to the store and buy a three-pack of socks. Two weeks later you have one left — a sock, not a pair. Where do they go? How do they get there?
 Kayaking has become a hugely popular hobby. I tried it, but… I didn’t realize that your feet stay wet. I like dock fishing, or puttering downriver in a boat, but I hate wet feet. Guess it’s back to reading and wine!
 When did we get used to being tired all the time?
 The best advice I ever received was one word: “Go.” Go to the party, go to the nursing home, go to karaoke, go to the funeral, go to the barbecue fundraiser. Just go. Life isn’t happening in your living room, on your TV or on your phone. It’s out there. Go.
 Why, when you buy a pack of gum at the drugstore, do you get a receipt that’s four feet long?
 Some things I have a strong aversion to: frogs, pudding and figs. Frogs are from the devil, pudding is like phlegm and figs — Widdle loves figs, but I can’t get past their molasses-in-a-dirty-brown-napkin appearance. Never even tried one.
 Where did the cocktail hour go? I vote we bring it back, starting tonight. Ice bucket, anyone?
 “America’s Got Talent,” but I don’t. I can’t speak a second language, play an instrument, knit a hat or paint a picture. I can wrangle roosters, but who wants to watch that?
 Again at the drugstore: Why do they sell 35 different brands of toothpaste and only two kinds of cough drops?
 Multiple media outlets report that Caitlyn Jenner is considering going back to being Bruce Jenner. Millions of Americans said, “Whatever.” Personally, I’m done.
 Losing weight is fairly simple; keeping it off is the hard part. As actress/model Elizabeth Hurley famously said, “I go to bed hungry every night.”
 Speaking of diets…  After 50, forget it: I gain weight licking an apple and looking at a bag of Cheetos.
 My last diet-related rant: I am so over the weight-loss “drink of the-week” on Facebook. If it works for you, God bless. I’m too cynical to buy into it. Two words: Ayds candies. They were touted as a delicious weight-loss aid — get it? — back in the 60s and 70s. Enjoy one (rock-hard) candy with a cup of hot coffee and watch the pounds melt away! People pulled out fillings chewing them, and all that melted away was consumers’ cash. Lesson learned.
 I love dogs, but one that charges me as I jog down a public street is getting a rock upside the head.
 David Bowie’s death hit me a lot harder than Prince’s, and Freddie Mercury’s death hit me harder than either of them. The good news: Can you imagine the gigs going on in heaven?
 My husband and I have 20 bucks riding on November’s presidential election. Don’t all couples end arguments by gambling?
 I’m obsessed with “Criminal Minds,” a decade late. My solution is to record TV marathons and binge-watch.  Every night my suspicious husband asks, “How many episodes today?” I say, “One.” It’s really three. Yes, I lie about watching TV. Wait ‘til he finds out I’ve ordered all 10 seasons on Netflix.
 I took a calligraphy class last week. I have terrible handwriting and zero patience, so that was money well spent.

(Julie R. Smith, who has evil plans for those birds, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.)

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