Why can’t I make a hippo from potatoes? | Opinion | The Press and Standard
by The Press and Standard | October 7, 2015 1:59 pm
I’m a walking, talking Pinterest fail.
I don’t actually have a Pinterest account because I’m not smart enough to set one up (seriously, I’ve tried twice.) But seeing all the creative projects that friends pin makes me wonder things like, “Why can’t I create a hippopotamus cake from mashed potatoes, in an African lake made of edible flower petals? WHY?” (Actually, I know why: I’m lazy.)
I am never going to turn an ugly TV console into a turquoise-painted dog bed with chevron curtains. Nor will I devise 272 clever ways to stage a bookcase, make roses from sliced bologna or design a foolproof formula for matching a paint swatch. (My tip: Paint the swatch and call it a day.)
Millions of women (and some men) are so overflowing with creativity and cleverness that they make their own piñatas, etch their initials into cocktail glasses and whip up dog collars from old neckties.
Pinterest is the new Martha Stewart, which may be why Martha’s stock has tanked recently.
Here’s a sample of what I’ve seen pinned in one week:
How to take an ugly twin bed frame and repurpose it into an ugly bench that sits eight inches off the ground.
How to make a mosaic patio (Tip: Start by busting every mismatched plate you own. You may bail on the patio, but you’ll feel great.)
How to remove the cover from a box spring, lean it against an outside wall and fill the coiled springs with tiny terra cotta pots brimming with your favorite fresh herbs. (I shudder to think what lurks inside my box spring, which has a one-way ticket to the dump when it dies.)
How to hand-smock, hem and starch a gingham pinafore for your little princess.
How to turn a dark, cramped bathroom into a lighter, cramped bathroom. (Hint: It involves paint.)
How to hand-paint porcelain menu cards for a special dinner. Have fun sitting your gay Hispanic cousin next to your brother-in-law who’s pulling for Donald Trump.
How to make a layer cake out of cornbread, and frost it with gravy and mashed potato rosettes.
How to create a raised doggy feeding station that won’t impress the dog, who will still eat too fast and throw up afterwards.
How to make an elegant, decorative bug repellant using an empty wine bottle, wick, citronella oil, cork, Mod Podge, French-inspired graphics, clear poly and hand-tied jute. It takes two hours and costs 70 times more than a can of Deep Woods Off.
How to make crème-filled cupcakes topped with battery-operated Darth Vader pinwheels. (I just…. No.)
How to carefully curate and display items on your bar cart—silver cocktail shaker, citrus peeler, martini glasses, bamboo ice bucket, coasters with the family crest, jade- handled corkscrew and a tiny pot of fresh mint for juleps. This will impress visitors hugely, if that’s your goal. Or you could buy boxed wine and drink it from a jelly glass while munching Pringles. All depends on the crowd you run with.
How to spray paint a pegboard, cut it into an hourglass shape with a jigsaw, frame it and mount it on a bedroom wall to hold all your necklaces, rings and bracelets. (This seems like a bulls-eye target for burglars, which is why I hide my jewelry in my shoes. The downside: I kicked off my heels at a party last week, and my mother-in-law’s ruby ring flew across the room.)
How to use WD-40 in 2,000 different ways, some best left to your imagination.
(Julie R. Smith, who thinks Pinterest may be a governmental conspiracy, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.)